You know it’s bad when they ask ME to stop emailing them …

From The Desk of Andrew Young
Department: Senior Manager Accounts/Audit

Good day, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via E-mail Instead of a Certified/Post-mail. This is due to the Urgency and importance of the information. I humbly crave your Indulgence to read this e-mail with all seriousness of purpose devoid of any doubt in Your mind because this project is based on trust, confidentiality and Sincerity of purpose in order to have an acceptable meeting of the Minds. Although, we have never met before, but I have every reason to Believe that you are a highly respected personality, considering the fact that I got your e- mail address through internet , while Searching for a reliable and reputable person to handle this transaction.

I am a senior manager accounts/audit one of the well known bank. I am writing you following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of 10.5 million United States dollars (Ten million five hundred Thousand United States dollars Only) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers late Mr. Morris Thompson who unfortunately lost his life in the Plane crash of Alaska Airlines Flight 261 which crashed on January 31 2000, including his wife and only daughter.

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin or relatives to come over and claim his money, because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines.

Unfortunately I discovered that his supposed next of kin being his only daughter died along with him in the plane crash leaving nobody with the knowledge of these funds behind for claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and two other officials in this department now Decided to make business with you, and release the money to you as the next of kin or beneficiary of the funds for safety keeping and Subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don’t want this money to go back into government treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidelines here stipulates that any unclaimed money after some years will be transferred into banking treasury account as unclaimed funds. We agreed that 50% of this money would be for you as foreign partner, while the balance will be for us.

I will visit your country for the disbursement according to the percentages indicated above once the funds gets into your account. Please be honest with me.

To commence this transaction, we require you to immediately indicate your interest by a return e-mail and enclose the Following information:
1. Full name
2: Your private telephone and Fax numbers.
3. Occupations and Nationality. Note this transaction is confidential and risk free. As soon as you receive this mail contact me through my private E-mail address andrewyoung884@yahoo.com.hk Please note that all the necessary arrangement for the smooth release of these funds to you has been finalized. We will discuss much in details when in receipt of your details.

Best regards
Andrew Young

*****

Dear Mr. Young –

This is such an honor! Thank you for contacting me. I have been a big fan of yours ever since you were the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations! That is so great! And now you’re working at a well known bank! Wow. Just wow!!!!

I would be so, so happy to help you out on this project. What can I do to assist? Also, do you ever see Maynard Jackson these days? Are you two friendly or more rivals?

With pleasure,

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

Kindly forward your full contact details as requested to enable me to call you for further talk.

*****

I’m afraid I’ve offended you, you didn’t respond to anything I wrote. I am so sorry. Things between you and Maynard must be tense. I understand how you must feel. One time, my sister-in-law, Melinda, had gone all off on me about how I banged my car door against her car door and she was all, “There’s no banging in this house!” and I was totally like, “Well, you’re all at MY house right now, Mel!” and she’s all, “Don’t you go calling me Mel like we’re suddenly best buddies, because you were banging and you know you were.” So I said, “I was NOT banging, I stopped the damn car door a good inch or two from your damn car.”

But then she got all huffy and said, “Then what is this dent in my car door that is PURPLE, huh? My car ain’t got any purple on it, it’s a friggin’ RED car. And oh, look, what color is your car, huh? What color is it? Huh? Why won’t you say the word? That’s because it’s friggin’ PURPLE, bitch!” And I’m all like, explaining that there are millions of purple cars on the road and how do we know that some dude in a purple car didn’t do that to her car in a mall parking lot or while she was at the nail salon (she works there with a bunch of Korean chicks) or at the “Everything’s just 99 cents!” store? I mean, come ON … she is such a piece of work.

Anyway, are you ok with Maynard or not? I mean, I am happy to help you with this banking stuff either way. Let me know how I can help you, bud!

Peace,

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

You still have not forward your contact information as requested.You knew all that is needed which fully stated in my first mail to you.Could you in a simple terms forward your contact phone number,your address and occupation?Upon receipt of the requested details I will call you for further discussion.

I await your urgent response.

Andrew

*****

Good morning, Andrew!

Thanks for the note, and I’m still getting the feeling that you guys have had a bad argument. I am very sorry for that. I didn’t mean to unload all my feelings and anger and resentment and hatred and annoyance and exasperation and grumpiness and sadness and frustration about the situation with my sister-in-law, but now I see that that is exactly what I have done, my friend. And for that, I deeply, deeply, deeply apologize. Sometimes I make things all about me when in fact, it is all about the other person and I should be concerned about what they are feeling and if they need to be held or even have just a nice word or two said to them because that simple gesture would make them feel so much better than they had before the person said that nice word or two. So again, I apologize for being so self-centered there in my last email to you when I really shouldn’t have been that way.

As I said before, I want to help you with this plan, but on the advice of my roommate, he said we should do everything through email and not over the phone, just so I have a record of everything we discuss and then you will really have copies of the emails too and then we are both sort of protected. It isn’t that I don’t trust you or you don’t trust me, but sometimes money or religion or sex or politics or clothes shopping can be touchy subjects between friends or even casual friends or business people working with each other on something, so it is probably best to do it through email, kind of like I was saying before. I hope that is okay, it is okay with me, which is why I had suggested it to you in this email.

And by the way, my occupation is a Registered Nurse with a specialization in catheters and I am a full citizen of these here United States of America. Go Canucks!!!

Oh, I meant to ask, do you need any of my bank account information for this whole project? Let me know.

Warmest wishes,

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

if you are not ready for this transaction stop contacting me.I really cannot make sense out of what you are sending.I have ask you severally to confirm your full contact details and you keep sending irrelevant message.

*****

Good morning Andrew!

I am sensing that there is some problem with communication between us. I hope that that is what is going on, and it is not your fear of confronting your issues with Maynard. Sometimes, when we let things fester and fester and fester and fester and fester some more, we’re really only hurting ourselves, the one we love the most.

I’ll repeat my information you needed, because it sounds like you didn’t get it. I am a Registered Nurse with a specialization in catheters and a minor in folding — and I am a good ol’ citizen of the U. S. of A. (That’s U.S.A.)

My fax is 1-440-209-7500. Do you need my bank stuff, too?

Happy,

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

I need your phone number for us to talk and proceed with this transaction if truly you are working with me.

*****

Which phone number do you need?

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

YOUR PHONE NUMBER.WHO ELSE PHONE NUMBER SHOULD I REQUEST FOR?

*****

I have three numbers. I have a home phone and a cell phone and a work phone. I wasn’t sure which one you’d think was best?

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

[No reply]

*****

Good morning, Andrew!

I am becoming a little bit concerned about you. Is everything okay? You had asked me about a phone number and I wasn’t sure which one you wanted so I sent an email to you and then you wrote back all in capital letters, which sometimes means people are mad or it’s like they’re shouting or something, like they’re really angry at the person they’re talking to in that email there. Or maybe you just had that caps lock thing on and you didn’t mean it like it was shouting at me, but I really don’t know which of those things it was, so I am worried that you’re angry at me when maybe this is all sort of a silly misunderstanding over the whole caps lock kind of thing.

But now it’s occurred to me that maybe this whole argument you are having with Maynard Jackson is what’s getting you down. And maybe you should go over your old emails to him, because I am thinking about this whole caps lock thing. Maybe you were talking to him and joking about something but you hit that caps lock button and started typing the joke to him but it was in all capital letters and he thought you were actually yelling at him. See, sort of like this. I could say what are you doing today, Andrew? and it is ok. But if I wrote WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY, ANDREW? it sort of comes across as combative, like maybe you weren’t doing something that you said you’d do for me, like pick up my cat from the vet and now they’re closed and I can’t get my cat until tomorrow because you forgot to pick up Mr. Wiggles and I will also have to pay an extra $12 because it’s sort of like they’re boarding him overnight. And I was angry at you for all of that after you said you’d help by picking up Mr. Wiggles. So maybe that’s what happened with you and Maynard. Maybe this whole argument was really just a lack of communication that you have had. I hope that this makes you feel better, and maybe you can reach out to him to see what he’s really frustrated about. Maybe it’s really nothing and you can still be friends!!!

Well, do let me know which of my phone numbers you want. I have one that is my home phone and one that is my work phone and also one that is my cell or mobile phone!

Talk soon!!

Paul Heney Troutwaith III
“Your friend in waiting”

*****

[No reply]

 

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