Monthly Archives: April 2011

Patrick & the Chinese McDonald’s magazine

Posted on by admin

FROM: Mr.Patrick K. W. Chan
(Executive Director & Chief financial Officer)
Hang Seng Bank Limited
83 Des Voeux Road, Central
Hong Kong SAR

FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION!

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship.
I am Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan Executive Director & Chief financial Officer of Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an obscured business suggestion for you. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country. It involves the transfer of a large sum of money. Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.
Once the funds have been successfully transferred into your account, we shall share in the ratio to be agreed by both of us.

I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below (p.chaankw@yahoo.com.hk) and finally after that I shall furnish you with more information’s about this operation.
Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because I am putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture. Although nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Mr.Patrick Chan

*****

Dear Patrick–

So good to hear from you. I think we actually met at the now-defunct Enterprise Investment Equality International Opportunities (EIEIO) conference in Hong Kong, probably in the late 1990s? The memory fails at the exact year.

And your timing is most excellent. I’ve recently come into a sizeable inheritance from my Great Aunt Fritters – slightly more than $200,000, in fact. With some of that money, I have begun plans for the launch of the first Chinese-language consumer magazine dedicated to eating at the McDonalds restaurant chain. As you undoubtedly know, McDonalds is growing by leaps and bounds in the Oriental countries, and our cultural marketing saavy will capitalize on that.

Additionally, with no other real competitors in the market, now that Taco Bell Fortnightly/South Korea has folded, the time is right!

That said, bringing more money into this project will certainly guarantee its success.

I also ask for your complete and utter confidentiality, as I don’t need any of my ex-wives to find out about this.

Please let me know at your earliest convenience if this might align with your business plan, and if so, please include your specific thoughts on the magazine’s potential readership numbers in Hong Kong and those other Chinese cities that are so big.

Very excited to potentially be working with you on this!

Warmly,

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul

The first thing i will do is to get you acquinted with the complete details (a general overview)of this transaction so as to give you a foundation on which to make a concrete decision.

I contacted you concerning a deceased customer Aziz Musa Numan (An Iraqi Crude oil merchant), and an investment he placed under our banks management. Once again I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail.First of all i want thank you for considering my proposal.

In June 2005, Aziz Musa Numan came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our private banking division and invested 18.3 million United States dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest). As the officer in charge of his transaction, I encouraged him to consider various growth funds with prime ratings. The favoured route in my advice to customers is to start by assessing data on 600 traditional stocks and bond managers and 300 managers of alternative investments. Based on my advice, we were able to spin the initial deposit with profit and interest to 22.5 million United States dollars.

Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even during the war (U.S and Iraqi war), Five years ago. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. After series of investigation, I got information that Aziz Musa Numan and his family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit his home at Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well was.

Because of the sensitive nature of private banking, most customers want to leave no traces and rarely do they nominate next of kin.

Private banking clients apart from not nominating next of kin also usually in most cases leave wills in our care, in this case; our now deceased client died in testate.

It is quite clear now that our dear client died with no known or identifiable family member. According to practice, the Private banking sector will by the end of this year broadcast a request for statement of claim to Hang Seng Bank Ltd, failing to receive viable claims they will most probably revert the deposit to Management of Hang Seng Bank Ltd. This will result in the money entering the Hang Seng accounting system and the portfolio will be out of my hands and out of the private banking division. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration of six {6} years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

What I wish to relate to you will smack off unethical practice but I want you to understand something. It is only an outsider to the banking world who finds the internal politics of the banking world aberrational. The world of private banking especially is fraught with huge rewards for those who sit upon certain chairs and oversee certain portfolios.

What I am saying in essence is that there is US$22,500,000.00 deposit just lying unclaimed. And all investigation by the bank to locate a next of kin has come to an end no success.

My proposal; I am prepared to furnish the necessary details to you as the closest surviving relation. I am also proposing that after successful execution of the business deal and the money in your account, the funds be disbursed in the ratio 30/70; 30% of the funds will go to you for offering yourself as the next of kin and providing a foreign account for safe transfer of the funds and 70% will be for me. Please let me know in your next correspondence if the above sharing ratio is okay by you.

Once more, I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail and forget I ever contacted you, I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive; do not destroy my career. Such opportunities only come ones way once in a lifetime. I am a family man and this is an opportunity to provide them with new opportunities. I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me and alerting my bank. If you give me positive signals, I will give you the relevant modus operandi to initiate this process towards a conclusion.I will be waiting for the required informations from you so that we can move ahead.Do not betray my confidence. I await your response.

Sincerely,
Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan

*****

Hello Patrick –

Thank you for the quick response. I had emergency surgery on my right fibula, so I was out of contact for a couple of days.

Fascinating story about Mr. Aziz Musa Numan, and what a tragedy for him and his family. It goes to show you that you shouldn’t locate your home next to your personal oil well, I suppose. And dying in testate sounds uncomfortable, but I’m not entirely familiar with that condition.

I understand your situation and I am comfortable with my 30% share, which would come out to $6.75 million U.S. or 52,479,518 Hong Kong dollars, according to a highly reputable conversion program that I just found through a Google search.

Beyond this transaction you describe, I have concluded that it is critical for us to have your help as our consultant on the startup of the Chinese consumer magazine for McDonalds customers that I referenced earlier. I think your experience and obvious fortitude would make you the right person for us in Asia. We would be prepared to make you a 17% partner in our venture, in exchange for your expertise/consulting.

I do have several questions I would like you to answer to help us in our research:

1. Again, what do you think is a reasonable assumption for the magazine’s readership numbers in Hong Kong and Peking and those other enormous cities you have there in China? (Please round to the nearest hundred thousand.)

2. I know from your correspondence that you are a family man. How many times per month do you take your children to a McDonalds? To competing fast food restaurants?

3. Would you say the decision to visit McDonalds is primarily yours/your wife’s or is it influenced by your kids’ wishes? Also, how many kids to you have, and what are their ages/genders?

4. Lastly, are there unique cultural Chinese menu items at the restaurants there (say a McSquid instead of a McRib) that we should be aware of?

Please let me know your answers to these 4 questions, and also how we should proceed in transferring the $22.5 million dollars or what I can do to help with that.

Warm regards,

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul,

I received your email.

If i may ask, are all these questions realy necessary for this transaction we have at hand now? i would want to tell you that i am a family with a wife and two love children and we are all doing well.My family and i we do go to mcdonald for lunch depending when it is suitable for us and also when i am les busy, but i cannot remember how many times we visit mcdonald for a month.

The menu there are realy nice and my children likes eating the english menu like the hamgurger, chicken nuggets,snack fruit and walnut salad and so on.

I will get back to you with more informations of this transaction in my next email to you

Regards
Parick

*****

Dear Paul
Thank you for your response and your interest to assist me in this transaction. Like I said before, following the issue on my hands, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance. I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and also you will help me in investing my money in your country, if you will agree to do that for me to shield me from the authorities in my bank and in my country. I will then transfer money in small bits from your country to my bank account in Hong Kong in form of business proceeds to avoid unnecessary questioning. You should not have anything to worry about, I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking, and you have my word. Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If you work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

Firstly, I would want to know your work designation, in fact, I would want to know precisely the type of business or job you do and how old you are. Let it be known to you that this project is highly capital intensive, this is why I have to be very careful; I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I am now in contact with a foreign online bank, I would intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank, when the time come I will guide you on that. The money would be transferred to your account which you will open in the bank for both of us, this is the best way I think we could be protected from my bank, because I know if we do not do it in the most unsuspecting manner, they will raise eyebrow which could lead to further investigation. So please do follow my plans religiously because I have the master plan for a hitch free transfer of these funds out of my bank in your favour. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. I have been making this plan for a long time now since it was discovered that this customer died. I got the cue after several months of disguised inquiries.

Also you have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will be aware that it is from me, this is where I need you. As a result of this, you will have to open an account in the corresponding bank. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from this my bank, and it will be issued in your name which will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be banked online for both of us. We can then instruct the bank to transfer the funds to a secured bank you will provide in your country or any other safe haven.

I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right it requires. Before I commence, I will need you to send me your full names, telephone number, marital status, a copy of any form your identification (Driver’s licence Work ID or International passport) and your current address. I want to be sure that I am transacting with the correct person. As soon as I get these from you, I will commence the paper work. I hope you will understand why I need all these, the money in question is big and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence the project, I will also send you my Work Identification and my family pictures upon receipt of your identification. I will send the name and contact details of the bank so that you can commence communication with them once I know it is ripe to do so. Ensure that you keep this project confidential; do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

Please reply soonest.

Regards
Patrick Chan

*****

Hello Patrick –

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of sending you my driver’s license. I do a fair amount of driving here, and I need it in my wallet. I mean, what would happen if I were to be stopped by the police? Of course, I wouldn’t mention this whole transaction to them—I mean, there is no way we should get them involved—but they would certainly want to see my driver’s license, and I wouldn’t have it. I’d have to come up with an excuse like my cat keeps stealing it (I don’t have a dog), but I am not sure if that is really believable.

Do you have any other ideas?

Thank you for everything!!

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul,

What i needed from you is a copy of your Drivers scan to me via email attachment and other requirements requested from you so that we can proceed with the transaction.This transaction is worth taking any sacrifice and you have my word.”MY WORD IS MY BOND”.

Just follow simple instructions by sending me all the requirements and we shall proceed.

Regards
Patrick Chan

*****

Oh, I see! Sorry about that. Does it matter if it’s a black & white or color copy? I’ll get over to Kinko’s as soon as I hear from you.

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul,

I received your email.

Weather it is colour or black and white that does not realy matter, all what i need is a copy of any form of identification scan to me via email attachment and other requested informations like your full names,your current address where you live, marital status, date of birth, occupation or the type of business or work you are doing.

I will be expecting to hear from you soon.

Regards
Patrick Chan

*****

Okay, thank you.

I just returned from the copy place. I had quite a bit of trouble, as we couldn’t figure out whether you needed the standard 8.5″ x 11″ paper or the A4, which I think is more of a European style. But since you’re close to Europe, we used the A4. I hope that is okay, please let me know if it is not.

I also spoke with my brother-in-law, who works for the law firm Huffington, Huffington and Barbasol, perhaps you know it? He said that due to the sensitive nature of this transaction, we should not exchange either of our information via fax or email, but only through normal postal ways. I tend to agree with this. I think that’s how the Sandinistas got burned all those years ago. What address should I mail the information to?

Oh, and I am still waiting to hear your estimates on what you think a reasonable circulation would be for the magazine. Our printer is asking for some estimates. Please let me know.

Also, we have three finalists for the publication name and tagline. I think some of the wording is awkward myself, but our translator from the community college insists that these are the best combinations. Please let me know which one you prefer:

1.
McDonalds Happy Fry and Meal Consumer Magazine
Eating happy for Chinese

2.
Chinese McDonalds Customer
It’s all in Your Hands and Mouth

3.
Nugget Fry Hamburger Joint
A McDonalds publication for the Orientals

Warmly,

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul,

You can scan and send to me which ever ways you want but the most important thing is that i receive a copy of your ID and other requested informations from you.Please send al informations to my personal email address:p.chaankws@yahoo.com.hk.As soon as i rehanceive all these informations i shall be sending you mine and we shall proceed with the documentations.

I will be expecting to hear from you soon.

Regards
Patrick Chan

*****

Please re-read my last email. Bart has suggested that we only do it through the mail, not email. And let me know your thoughts on the number of issues we should print and the magazine name.

Thanks & God’s eternal love,

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul,

I received your email.

You have to follow my advice because i am the master planner of tthis project.I want every of our correspondence to go via email and not by post ok?

If you are interested, please send all informations to me via email and i will get back to you in regards.

Regards
Patrick

*****

Okay, I will get you the information you have requested. But I am growing a little concerned that I have been doing as you have asked, and am following all of your rules—and you have still not responded to my questions about the number of magazines we should print for the first run and your choice for the magazine name.

If we want to trust each other, please know that these answers are of critical importance to me.

Much happiness,

-Paul

*****

Dear Paul,

I received your email.

We would discuss that when the money in question is already in or our your custody.The most important thing is to send the requested informations so that we can furge ahead…

Regards
Patrick

*****

No, Patrick, I need to know your seriousness first. They are easy questions, I’m growing increasingly concerned that you won’t answer them. How do you think the people behind the former KFC Journal in Macau got started?

Does this have something to do with your family? I am concerned about you. Has this whole affair started to take a toll on your relationship with your wife and children? I sure hope not. How is your romantic life? Have you told your children you love them lately? Patrick, you must not let those closest to you suffer as a time like this. We will get through it, my brother.

-Paul

*****

[No reply]

*****

Patrick –

Still awaiting your reply? I hope you are keeping safe.

-Paul

*****

[No reply]

 

 

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A care package for Michelle in the Ivory Coast

Posted on by admin

FROM MISS MICHELLE MA…..

Quite frankly, I know it may have sounded pretty strange for you on why I chose to contact you who are a complete stranger to me and I must tell you this, I contacted you for the simple reason that we do not know each other. It would be very difficult for me to contact anybody here who knows me for this purpose as I may stand the risk and chance of being cheated of my inheritance because the person would have known my weaknesses. I may even lose my life that is why I decided to contact you a complete stranger.
My name is Michelle Marcel the only child of my parent. During the civil and political crisis in our country, my parents were poisoned by heartless people. Fortunately for me, I was in the school when this tragedy took place to my family. I was in coma for almost two weeks. But I thank the almighty God because I never knew that I could support the shock of losing almost my family. Right now I am still here in country but very unsafe for me.

I’m living in great fear and bondage. I intend leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing kept me back. My late father has deposited with one of the prime financial institution the sum of money, $3.2Million USD .But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he sudden died. I have mapped out 25% out of the total money for your help and assistances because it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before. By instinct I am convinced you are an honest person and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me. As soon as it is done, I will come over with to meet you and spend the rest of my live in your country. I wish to invest the money into estate business and other good business you may propose. I promise to greatly compensate you for any assistance you may offer me. I do not know how you may feel about this but I want you to take this very serious and confidential.
Michelle Marcel

*****

Dear Ms. Michelle –

I’m concerned about your safety. How is your recovery from the coma? And I am perplexed as to why you were even in a coma? I thought you were away at school when the tragedy struck? Was there another incident where you were? Please let me know.

Yours in Christ,

-P

P.S. Are you in Japan? Also worried if you were affected by the earthquake today?

*****

Dear Pheney,
Thanks for your reply to my request for your assistance. It please me to let you know that I am serious about this transaction as my coming into contact with you a total stranger is an act of divine directions and I know that the good lord that made it possible for us to come into contact may have a divine arrangements and I pray that our relationship will be beneficial to the both of us amen.

I will appreciate all that you could do personally to assist me to a better future by assisting me complete this fund transfer to your nominated account.
As I told you in my previous email, I inherited the said sum of money from my late father who was into legal business and will implore you to assist me complete the fund transfer to your nominated account without further delay as my personal situation/security in this country is not too comfortable as I have already told you in my previous email.
To tell you briefly ,I have suffered too many untold hardship since the sudden death of my parents that is too much for me to bear at this my tender age and I will beg you to assist me to a better future as someone that I can look up to.
Presently, this fund is still deposited in one of the commercial banks here and all documents of the fund have my name as the next of kin but I do not know what and what it will take to complete this fund transfer to your nominated account since I have never done a transaction of this nature before.
To enable us proceed in this transaction without further delay, I will want to hear from you again today and on my receipt of your message, I will put you in contact with the banker where this fund is deposited so that you will arrange with him for the smooth transfer of this fund to your nominated account in the manner that you find comfortable and safe.
If not for the present political situation in our country, I would have asked you to fly down here so that we can meet face to face so that we can go together to the bank where this fund is deposited and you handle all the transfer aspect directly with the bankers but if you can or cannot make the trip down here, let me know so that I can give you the bankers contact so that you can start to arrange this fund transfer with him on my behalf. I will offer you 25% of the total sum for your assistance.
As per the type of investment, I do not have any particular investment in mind but will want you to use your experience to handle this aspect provided it will be beneficial to all of us.
Please send to me in your next email, your direct phone and fax number so that I can have the pleasure of speaking with you and as to send to you the fund receipt and my picture and do as well tell me a bit about yourself and send to me your pic .Should you need additional information concerning this fund, about me or this transaction, please do not hesitate to ask as I will give you all info.
Thanks for your sincere kindness as I hope to read from you again today.
Remain blessed.

God bless you

Michelle
NB,pls read read urgently and understand my situation down here

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2011-03-11/ivory-coast-s-workers-queue-for-salaries-as-crisis-drags-on.html

http://www.npr.org/2011/03/09/134397113/Crisis-Deepens-In-Ivory-Coast-Political-Standoff

*****

I just don’t understand why you were in a coma?

Please explain! What happened to you, Michelle?

You may call me Pheneyneus.

-P

*****

Dear Pheneyneus
Very glad to read from you so quick because i need your urgent help and assistance to come over of this danger and fear right now in my life otherwise i will face rape by gunmen. Last week the rebels attacked my street in Abobo Abidjan and killed seven women with more than thousand of men which i never seen before in my life because of the political crises and unrest going on in my country, I may die anytime from now if you did not help me quick because since yesterday meeting of leaders of united nation in Ethiopia that declare the incumbent president here to set down ,another heavy fight have started and keep hundreds dead without anyone knowing ,i could not go back to family house because i ran away from wicked uncle’s who are after my life by forcing me to marry a man of 71 years old in order to maintain family inheritance or they will poisoned me.i have been in coma when i heard that my total family is wiped away and uncle could not allow me to live since I’m the only survival of the family ,again seeing death face to face by meeting rebels choosing whom to kill or live ,I’m in total coma ,confused and troubled ,please save my life, I will want you to put Ivory Coast crises and see what is going on here,i hope for you to set me free from this bondage, fear and hunger. Most important thing put me in your daily prayers
God bless you
Michelle

*****

Wow, sorry to hear about the rape thing and the coma and the evil Uncle and the old husband deal and the potential poisoning. Oh, and the gunmen. Almost forgot about them, gunmen suck. That all really stinks. I’ve had a bad year, too, the stock market just can’t quite decide where to go. Up and down. Up. Down. It’s a little maddening to watch it every day, you know? It’s just … well, frustrating, in many ways. We all have our trials, I guess! :-)

This all reminds me … my aunt used to get these coma-like things. Well, they were sort of a cross between that and those ice-cream headaches you get sometimes. A friend of mine calls them brain freezes, which is kind of funny. Anyhoo, I think she was sort of lactose intolerant, and sometimes when she’d drink like a REALLY big Frosty, the coldness and the intolerance thing would just kind of gang up on her and she’d be totally out for the count, you know? You could practically kick her in the side and she wouldn’t budge.

But then she started taking these lactaid pills right before eating ice cream, and they really helped her out. I mean really. No bad gas stuff or anything. Maybe you should stop at one of the Ivory Coast CVS or Walgreen stores and pick some up. They’re usually over by the antacids, way past the seasonal and toy aisles. I’ll be really interested to hear out if those help you out, even a little.

Well, if there’s anything I could do for you to help out, just let me know! I can always help a friend in need!

Best regards,

-P

*****

Dear
Thanks for your mail and giving details, please i will need more information from you to enable me submit to the bank who will start working on how to get the inheritance transfer and also get me over there for new life and further my education, please send me your complete name, address, phone number and photos as soon as possible, hoping to read from you soon
God bless
Michelle

*****

Hey Michelle –

I could certainly send a care package; maybe some cookies, graham crackers, raisins, even some of those Ghirardelli chocolates. Do you have those in the Ivory Coast? They’re really good, they have these little individually wrapped squares. I love the milk chocolates with caramel inside. Warning: They can be messy, though!!!

Well, let me know your shipping address, and I’ll put together a box of goodies for you. Before you know it, you’ll have forgotten about all your silly troubles!

And let me know what kind of snacks are your favorites.

-P

*****

Dear
Thanks for your mail, I do not ask for snacks or cookies rather seeking for you’re urgently help to save my life and future, hope you send your details as soon as possible.
God bless
Michelle

*****

I’m sorry, Michelle, I guess that was kind of thoughtless of me. We can send healthier things—bread, fruits, celery. Or maybe a camera, hairbrushes, toiletries? You tell me what you need!

What is the weather like in the Ivory Coast this time of year?

Best,

-P

*****

[No response]

*****

Michelle –

I am growing concerned about you. I am hoping that you have not been killed or something. Please let me know if you have been or not. I will do whatever I can to help!!

-P
*****

[No response]


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Greetings, fellow smart asses!

Posted on by admin

So we all know about the infamous “Nigerian scams” that come to our email inboxes. I’m not sure if anyone actually falls for these dumb things, all of which are fake attempts to get money from us—or our personal information or our bank account numbers or our credit cards—and rip us off.

There have been a lot of attempts over the years to expose who these criminals really are. And while I think that’s a worthy thing, I prefer to simply waste their time for my own amusement.

My overall goal is to get these people “off message.” They have their little scripts that they use over and over. I try to make them think they have a potential sucker on the line—but through stupid conversation and irrelevant details, keep the prize just out of their hands.

I hope you enjoy the silliness!

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